A Confession from the 2nd-Time Pleading Woman

I just wanna share something, to make it clear for you, since you never ever ask me my strongest reason, even if "you" I mean here don't understand or even read this. I know that I ever haphazardly said 1-2 of my reasons, but it was just a little factor of it. Here was my main consideration.

It was not an easy thing to decide that. I cried almost all day and week, I went wherever my feet took me, and, if you believe, I almost buy any movie ticket in a cinema just to have a 2-hour private place where I could think without any disturbance from anyone even in a form of look.

Well, I know that what you offered me was one of my most wanted thing here. Once I was in a "tryout" for that, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being among you, I enjoyed (y)our conversations, I enjoyed knowing everything from the first hand. Wasn't that match my extrovert side? That I could take control as I "want"?

And, you know what, months you didn't find the handler yet, and I consider to rectify my previous statement and accept your gift, with several conditions.

Then you found that other one to replace me. I checked my heart, was it what I wanted? Didn't I envy that decision? Did I regret my own decision? And the answers for the 2 last were YES. I envied him that make me regretted it. I regret that I couldn't be with you all anymore in (y)our private place to talk.

But then I rethought about why I threw my chance. I knew who I was, who I am. I ever wrote pieces reason to ensure it. I knew my self, I knew my ability and capability, I knew what I could/couldn't do. It wasn't just my lack of confidence. It had happened before. If you remember, they gave me the similar thing you gave me, and I couldn't keep it, so you yourself took it back from me. You should give it to the worthy one. Fact that I want it wouldn't make me better in treating it, even just made me more unworthy than before.

I tried to use my logics beside my feelings to be as objective as possible. I also asked some authorities to share their viewpoints.

I knew where I'm best at. If you viewed it carefully, if you were honest to yourselves, you'd know that handling that biggest thing in me was just like putting papers in my bag. Though I thought I could have done it better if it had come at the time someone had promised me, and prepare me to, not that fast. I'd've had enough preparation then.

And if you believed me enough to have it, you should have believed my judgement. You not accepting that just showed that you didn't trust me that much.

Well, it has been months now since that conflict. Sometimes I still regret it, but my logic is bigger than my silly jealousy. Everything is OK now, yet I'm still sorry that you had to reveal the real me, that I'm not as strong as you thought. But I hope you realize that I love you all enough not to destroy you like this.

Sincerely,
The 2nd-time pleading woman

PS. Later I found another weak reason, that I had to give my attention to another big thing I responsible, yet I do care about you more than this.